If you do things a few times, they're a tradition. This is the third time I'm writing one of these, so I guess it's an annual tradition now! This is where I reflect on the year that's been, and talk some about my hopes and goals for the next year.

Reflecting on 2024

This year has been a lot, and there are a few months of it that just feel like a black hole to me. That's because I got sick in the middle of it. I'm really proud of how much I got done in spite of being the sickest I've ever been. And I'm excited to see what I can do next year, now that I'm nearly fully recovered.

Professional

I spoke at a conference! This year marked my first ever conference talk. Technically, my first one was at SIGBOVIK 2024, but I'm really talking about !!con. I've submitted talks to conferences before and this is the first one I've ever had accepted. You can watch the recording. That link takes you to the playlist of all !!con talks from this (final) year, so please enjoy them all!

It was an incredible experience. The whole conference felt like I was with old friends who I just hadn't met yet. It made me remember the power of connecting with other nerds in physical space. And it reminded me of the joy of being on a stage. More on that in the personal section.

I wrote even more than last year. My goal for this year was to continue my status quo: publish at least one blog post each week. I overshot this again, with 60 blog posts over 90,000 words. The most important thing for me has been consistency. By writing every week, I've been able to continue to use this momentum to stretch my creative practice. This even held during my illness this summer, and it was something for me to hold on to when I could do little else.

I got paid for my writing. This is the first time I have been paid explicitly to write. I was sponsored to write a post about an open-source product (and the contract even requires that I misuse it, on purpose, since that's what I pitched). The overall experience was pretty good, and I'm also not sure I would do it again in the near future: while I'm working a day job, I don't want to spend my limited writing time on things I'm not already self-motivated to publish. But—I dearly want to find a way to get paid for my writing which isn't sponsored posts. This might look like a Patreon or similar, so let me know if you're interested, and you might be the nudge to get me over that finish line.

I started coaching people. This year saw me take on my first three coaching clients. These were all pro bono, friends of mine who needed some help with career questions and technical leadership development. It's been an incredible experience, getting to directly help people grow and overcome their challenges. (If you're interested in being coached by me on technical leadership, reach out to me! You're a particularly good fit if you're a senior or staff software engineer aiming to level up, and members of marginalized groups are who I'm most hoping to help.)

I grew as a leader. Most of my reflection here is private because it's so intertwined with specific leadership challenges at my day job, but it's been a really helpful year for me in my leadership development. I've learned a lot, and I've seen a lot of old decisions come around to their conclusion to complete my learning arc.

Personal

I got sick. It's hard to say when exactly I got sick, but my symptoms got to where I had to go to my doctor at the start of May, and my full recovery started in November. I am pretty sure I was sick before that, since I had started needing more and more sleep throughout the spring, but it's impossible to say at this point.

At the peak of my illness, I was in near constant pain (about a 6 on the pain scale) and could not stand up for 5 minutes without having tachycardia. If that happened, I had to lie on my back until my heart rate came back down. Walking around the block was an impossibility, when months prior I was running 25 miles a week and hauling the kids around on my bicycle.

I bounced through multiple doctors. We hit the end of my general practitioner's expertise, so she referred me to a GI practice since our core symptom was related to my liver and abdominal pain. (The liver was ultimately a red herring: what looked unusual on my ultrasound was, with further testing, not concerning.) The GI practice did a lot of tests, and I had a lot of waiting (GI docs are in such high demand, you can't see them), but ultimately... they also found nothing. Meanwhile I was still in pain, and could do very little.

Around this point, I went on medical leave with my employer. Before that I had been working as much as I was able, and contributing something of value, but it had become clear that I was going to need to focus on my recovery if I wanted to actually get to the bottom of this. Going on medical leave was terrifying, because it meant I would be without income for months. But it was ultimately the right decision.

Around this same time, I went to my third doctor. She got me a diagnosis. A friend sent me to her, since she's a specialist in conditions that present with ambiguous symptoms and chronic fatigue. This doctor ran a lot of tests—expensive tests, which insurance doesn't cover—and we ultimately got me a firm diagnosis six months into the whole ordeal. After starting treatment, it's been a very fast recovery: almost two months in, and I'm over 90% normal. How our definitions of "fast" shift. I may have relapses in the future, there's no way to know, but I'm relieved to know what is going on.

I stopped running. The pain started in May when I was running, so I had to abruptly go from running 25 miles a week to not at all. Eventually it moved from pain while running to constant pain. And then eventually... it faded away entirely, as long as I keep up on one of my medications. Now I can run if I want to—but I've decided not to.

For the last decade, I've identified as a runner. I did a few half marathons with reasonable times, and I did a marathon in 4:07, finishing in 75 F heat. For much of the decade before that, I identified as a cyclist. I was into cycling from the moment I could get on a bike, always wanting to go further and faster. In high school, I did a 100 mile bike ride.

Now that I've been forced to take a break from it, I've realized I'm pretty content with not putting in the grueling schedule needed to get back to the high level of performance I thought I wanted to target next year. I might get back into this sooner or later, but right now, I'm working on functional strength and being healthy and having more balance in my life.

I got back into music! When I was sick, I bought a wind synth and started playing music again. Then I started taking lessons with an incredible teacher who's an accomplished musician in his own right. And then I got a drum pad, another wind synth, a hand-me-down keyboard, and got my clarinet back out. I've fallen deep into this and I'm loving every single minute of it, frustration and all.

This is replacing a lot of the dedication and discipline I used to get from endurance exercise. It has the added benefit of creating art in the process, which heals my soul. The deep breathing involved in playing wind instruments certainly helps me as well.

I'm learning some music theory, and it's hard! I want to learn how to write songs and compose music, and I'm going to get there. If you have any favorite resources for this, please send them to me!

The upshot of getting back into music is that it will, hopefully, give me a way to perform again. I've been a performer in some aspect for a lot of my life. In school, I was in our concert bands and in small wind ensembles. I was on the debate team, a shock to people who knew me as the shy kid who shook when forced to speak in front of the class. Since school, though, I've lost this opportunity. I got a taste of performance again with my conference talk, and I think music will be my route to performing regularly.

I'm starting to use my voice. Advocacy and activism were always things I looked up to but didn't feel like I was able to do. But then I found I have a voice, and I realized I need to use it. I shared a few posts this year on things that are important and required me to speak up, like trans rights and the crisis that was happening in Asheville.

Organized two rated chess tournaments. This year I organized two tournaments for our local chess club! They had about 12 players each, and went off smoothly. It was a good experience all around. I'm not sure I'll have the opportunity (or desire) to do this again this year.

Kept my head up. Current events have been... a lot... and I've managed to keep my head up for most of it. I'm going to keep going, and keep trying.

Upgraded the workshop for all-year use. Historically I've only been able to use my workshop for a few months of the year when the weather is right. This year, we got it insulated, replaced the windows, and added a heat pump, and all those combine to mean I can keep it temperate all year so I can go out there whenever I want. (Some wood finishes are inadvisable in cold or hot weather since they need good ventilation, but otherwise any time for anything.)

It's changed my relationship with woodworking, since now I can pop out there and make something whenever I want. When I was rearranging my desk yesterday, I realized I really needed a headphone stand. And so I popped out to the workshop and put in a total of two hours of work (split across a few sessions for glue and finish to dry), and now I have one! Something similar happened when I needed an adapter to mount my drum pad: I just made it.

Last year's goals

This year was a lot! How does it stack up against what I wanted to do last year?

• ❓ I wanted to keep my rights, and I did—for now, in my own state. But it's really tenuous, and there are many states where I'd be punished for using a bathroom. The state I was born in, Ohio, has banned trans folks from using the bathrooms consistent with their gender, and the incoming administration is a dark cloud. I won't call this a miss yet, but I can't call it a win.
• ✅ No personal side projects went into production! I once again toyed with the idea and once again talked myself out of it. Good job, me!
• ✅ I am not sure I struck a better balance with calls and making, but I embraced that I love talking to my friends and just continued to make time for them. This is going to be even more important next year.
• ✅ I kept writing on the same schedule, and I did expand it! I did a creative writing class, and even wrote a poem as well.
• ❌ I did not do any comedy this year, so it's a miss. But it's a happy miss, because I found other things that I was drawn to.
• ✅ I stayed pretty active in my communities, given my health.
• ✅ I was a good parent and partner, given my health.
• ✅ I finished voice training! This was almost a gimme, since I was done in January this year.
• ✅ My ergonomic setup was definitely improved. I still want to work on using Talon more, but I have made improvements there as well.
• ❌ I did not do more technical projects this year. I've started a few, and I'm going along in the background, but health got in the way.
• ❌ I did not get back into competitive chess, and I probably won't. It simply doesn't feel as important right now. Music is filling the role that it filled in my life.
• ✅ I kept my mental health strong!

I think I did really well on these goals, even if it were a normal year and not a year where I spent 6 months sick to various degrees and where I started to feel the crushing weight of our politics and its threat on my rights and my life. This year I did learn a bit about what is important to me, and where I want to spend my time. That's reflect in my hopes and goals for next year.

Hopes and goals for 2025

These aren't predictions or concrete goals, but a reflection on what I'd like the next year to be. This is what I hope 2025 looks like for me.

Keep my rights. A perennial goal at this point, it's the headliner since trans rights are near the top of the Republican's agenda for this new administration. I'm wary, and I'm going to do what I need to do to keep myself and my family safe. I think that can be done from where I am in a safe, supportive community, but we will keep ourselves safe while continuing to advocate for all those who need protection. In particular, I'm going to keep living my best life and being positive representation for other trans folks who are similarly under attack.

No personal-time side projects into production. This one will probably be a forever anti-goal for me. I don't want to do ops-y things in my free time (despite feeling like shaving that yak occasionally), and I don't want to support a product in my free time. My free time is more about playful exploration.

Maintain relationships with friends and family. This is the 2025 version of 2024's goal of "strike a better balance with calls and making." I'm positive I'll have time set aside for making things and for playing music. But this is going to be a challenging year, so my loved ones (given/chosen family and dear friends) will need my support and I will need theirs. So I'm going to put those relationships first and foremost.

Explore ways to make this my living. I want to do more playful exploration, the kinds of things I do on my blog, and make that my living eventually! 2025 isn't when I'll get there, but I want to try out one or two things (like a Patreon? fund myself via consulting and coaching?) to start understanding what might work for both me and my readers.

Keep my mental health strong. This is going to be a challenge, and I am in a good spot for it. I'll need to dedicate effort to it, though, what with the upcoming onslaught.

Release some recorded music. I'm working on a lot of aspects of my music. Eventually, I want to write something and release it. This year might be releasing a recording of a cover, but it might also be an original piece. I'm not sure!

Write some original music. I don't know if I'll release something of my own, but I know I need to work on it. We'll see how this goes! It's scary to me, and it's also something I'm confident I can do if I put in the effort to learn how.

Do some ridiculous fun projects with code. There are a few things I really wanted to work on in 2024 that are just playful, fun, ridiculous things. I didn't get to do them since I was, uh, kinda sick (not sure if I mentioned that yet). So they're burning to get out of me this year. I want at least one to get out of me this year.

That's it! I've poured a lot of myself into this post. If you've made it this far: thank you, so much, for reading.

2024 had a lot in it, good and bad. I'm trying to hold both at the same time, to remember the good and remember the bad, as they are both important aspects of the year for different reasons.

I hope that 2025 keeps much of the good, and that we can minimize the bad. I'm going to do everything I can to hold joy in this world. Please join me in that, and let's fill 2025 with joy, even in the face of all that's being thrown at us.